Protecting Your Family Matters Newsletter: Summer 2024
Epochs and Change. Facing Our Times, along with Ourselves.
Are you the same person you were 20 or 30 years ago? Even 10? Are we our same selves in any given era of life? Of course, the answer to each of these questions is “no.”
Times change, and eras or “epochs” of our lives change with them. We can look back on who we were in high school, college, or graduate/law school, and so on, and we were continually changing, hopefully evolving as individuals. Similarly, when we became parents, our needs and selves adapted. For example, being a mom or dad to a toddler was different from raising teenagers. Times and needs change, and these truths are no different in our marriages.
When speaking with my clients, it often seems they once had a “Hollywood” mentality regarding marriage. There are many films featuring couples living happily ever after as if the happy moments we enjoy will be the day-to-day norm and everything will work out perfectly. It is tragic to me that most people going through divorce realize that they have experienced just that: fantasy. They did not sign up for the tough times and were caught unaware of the tremendous amount of commitment, work, and compromise marriage takes over time and eras. As it often turns out, we do not always grow in the same ways, and everyone’s eras are uniquely their own.
Unmet Expectations Amidst Fluctuating Needs
“Until death do us part” is commitment, and that is putting it mildly. Commitment to one’s marriage is absolutely a good thing, and such commitment should be maintained. However, we cannot ignore the reality that forever is an exceptionally long time—literally, our entire lives. Over time, our partners or ourselves may not be as fully invested in the marriage as we were at some point in the past. A lack of commitment can lead to a lack of emotional investment or a withdrawal entirely. Shared marriage goals—where it is and where it is going—can become blurred if one or both spouses have lost that loving feeling. And if it is gone, it becomes vastly difficult to bring it back, if it should come back at all.
Quite plainly, we often begin our marriages with an idea of what such an institution should be like and not often enough to understand what it will actually be like. Whatever our expectations were, are, or ever will be will vary as the months and years progress. Failure to meet those changing needs can create feelings of resentment, loneliness, and despair. If not corrected, these scenarios can lead to the demise of the marriage.
Lead Us Not into Stagnation
Some friends and colleagues I have known do not adhere to the “death do us part” mantra. They have leaned more toward the idea of a 10-year renewal of the marriage contract. The ideals that appealed to us when we married young may not appeal to us in the same way, if at all, in later life. Stagnation, career demands or changes, and grown children—all of these and more may be reasons for the marriage “contract” not to be renewed.
By no means do I advocate for ending any marriage. All the same, for some, marriage is for life, and for others, it is not. We have but one life to live, and we most certainly should make the best choices so as to live the best life we can.
Should the Sun Rise Again
If happiness once existed, it does not have to remain in the past. Some formerly married people never marry again. If that is their path, there is no reason not to take it or shame to be had with it. But as times change and we change, so do others. It is entirely possible, as well as acceptable, that a new knot can be tied. Being mindful of the past is of the utmost importance at this stage, as is being aware of the factors that ended the previous marriage. Growth, having now matured as a person, is knowing what your expectations have become.
This could be a wonderful new era in one’s life. Just know that, as in times past, relationships and marriages are not easy, and one should proceed with eyes wide open. One’s past experiences should not define who we are, though they are better understood when we learn from past choices and use that information to guide how we have grown and will continue to grow.
Attorney Spotlight: Alan R. Feigenbaum - New York
This edition of Attorney Spotlight highlights one of my esteemed New York colleagues in Blank Rome’s Matrimonial & Family Law Group—Alan R. Feigenbaum. A graduate of Tulane University and the Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law, Alan has been practicing law for more than 20 years and is an invaluable member of our firm’s Matrimonial & Family Law practice group.
Alan has been interested in reading, writing, and communication as far back as he can remember, and a career in law turned out to be an excellent avenue for his passions. Following law school, Alan practiced commercial litigation at a large firm for several years, where he found that the training and initial experience overall was essential to a young lawyer. However, Alan was eager to build even deeper attorney-client relationships and the best path forward was to transition into family law. Alan always strives to add value to the lives of others, and working so directly in his clients’ lives is what he has found truly rewarding.
Practicing family law often requires a strong stomach. For the many emotions coming into a lawyer’s office, one needs to be of sound ability and mind if they are to navigate the admittedly often perilous weather that comes along with the territory. Clients look to their lawyers for aid, and their counsel must be prepared to guide them through the storms, however severe they may be. At the same time, a lawyer must also show humanity. Law school can only sometimes provide that training, though much is learned from life experience and dedication to the practice of law. Alan exhibits this capability as a lawyer and then some.
The foundation of any legal practice is rooted in the ability to be a good thinker and writer. Alan frequently contributes his thoughts and opinions as a correspondent for the New York Law Journal and as a guest on podcasts such as To Dine For and How to Split a Toaster, and his many thought leadership pieces appear so often in our firm’s news feeds. Alan loves writing, and specifically enjoys writing about divorce cases as they are so dependent on the unique factors of each individual situation. This provides him the opportunity to write intelligent and exceptional articles that explore the extraordinary and personal stories that can arise from these conflicts and circumstances.
Outside of practicing law, Alan loves to travel (especially to Europe) with his wife and his children. Naturally, Alan is an avid reader, particularly of non-fiction. For him, reading is another avenue to enhance the mind, and this will continue to aid him well in both his legal career and family life.