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Ask Stacy (Vol. 6) – The Summer Edition

This installment of Ask Stacy includes readers’ questions about my summer reading list, and questions that delve into what I know about cheaters, prenups, and other entertaining things inquiring minds want to know. Please enjoy, and don’t forget to look for my Ask Stacy video reels featuring exclusive questions and content on my Instagram: @StacyDPhillipsEsq.

Ask Stacy: What’s on your nightstand? I mean, your stack of books for summer reading, of course? Are there any terrific page-turners or steamy romances from this year or summers past?

My Thoughts: I wish I had steamy romances, but for some reason, I don’t have any of these waiting for me at the moment. My favorite books are histories, romances, crime (fiction and non-fiction), and mysteries. I have two books on mindfulness that my friend Gordon gave me. I’ve started one about those voices in your head that might tell you that you’re fat or that he’s never going to call, etc. So, that one is not a page-turner, but it sure is thought-provoking.

Perhaps because I value friendships so much, I have two exciting books on that theme I’m reading right now. I have a book about dinners with Ruth Bader Ginsberg entitled Dinners with Ruth: A Memoir on the Power of Friendships, written by Nina Totenberg, one of my favorite NPR correspondents, who documents her years covering and befriending the Judge. And I have a book about the best friends of different U.S. Presidents (First Friends: The Powerful, Unsung (And Unelected) People Who Shaped Our Presidents); it is fascinating and illuminating how certain friendships shaped our presidents and influenced policies over time.

But I’ve been finding myself streaming movies and television series more and more, and once I discovered that, sadly, some of my reading went by the wayside. But I do need a couple of steamy page-turners, so I am very much open to suggestions! I do need to share that one of my favorite authors is Rebecca Forster – she’s written some of the most thrilling page-turners I know, including many books in the Jodie Bates’ thriller series and about five books in the Finn O’Brien crime series – I absolutely love reading her books.

Ask Stacy: I would love to hear Stacy’s take on which professions tend to cheat the most and which are most “loyal” lovers or spouses! I’ve always assumed that spouses with jobs requiring them to travel would be the most likely to cheat. But then I heard that firefighters were some of the more likely to cheat. What have you learned professionally?

My Thoughts: I represented a firefighter many years ago and do not believe he cheated. But I find that people on the road a lot – professional athletes and entertainers, specifically – are prone to cheat. When you have people, or groupies, who are bowing down to you and telling you that you are their dream come true, it is probably flattering and tempting. These people will throw their bodies at you and are willing to sleep with you for a night or more. Some, of course, are hoping they will even get pregnant because that’s their vocation – I call it the lucky sperm club.

So, at the top of the most extensive cheaters list, I would put entertainment and sports figures who travel a lot and have idolizing fans. Other people who travel a lot, like business persons, are more likely exposed to cheating opportunities, but I find the “what goes on, on the road, stays on the road” mindset disturbing. It’s an excuse to lie; I don’t find it funny or valid. Affairs will find their way back to the spurned partner or spouse. And unless it’s an open relationship, it seems like a bleak experience. Wasn’t it the George Clooney and Anna Kendrick film “Up in the Air" that painted the stark, bleak picture of cheaters out on the road? I will never forget the Clooney character’s quote: “Some animals were meant to carry each other, to live symbiotically for a lifetime - star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not those animals.”

Ask Stacy: What are the top five oddest or most interesting things you’ve seen (or heard about) in a prenup?

My Thoughts: I do not do prenups that are lifestyle prenups. I have heard about them, but I am not sure they are legal, and extraordinary items are not in any prenup I’ve seen or done. I have heard funny examples, like: “He must take the trash out.” “We have to have a certain number of date nights.” “We have to have a certain amount of sex.” “She can’t gain a certain amount of weight.” “We have to spend holidays with her family every year.” These are some curious things I have heard about but have not been party to.

My clients’ prenups involve finances; the only matters I know to be legal to handle in a prenup. Our job is to divide the assets and determine support, except for anything to do with children. A prenup cannot contract around child support or child custody; there are kids’ rights!

Ask Stacy: Has there ever been a client you represented where you were actually – secretly – rooting for their spouse to prevail in the divorce or custody proceedings?

My Thoughts: If you are asking, would I represent someone I believed was making a wrong decision? Possibly. I always give them options; they also are free not to follow my advice. But if they do not follow my advice consistently, we are likely not a good match. I also would fire my client if I believed that they were not doing the right thing ethically. Indeed, I have fired easily a half dozen or more clients who wanted to do or have me do what I believed was unethical.

Again, if you are asking if I have fired or parted ways with a client, yes, I have. And in some cases, I have even wanted to see what would happen later, for example, if they were ultimately following my advice or not. I can get competitive about that because, in many cases, when I have parted ways with clients consistently not following my advice, the deal they get is worse than the one they said they would not take when I represented them.

Ask Stacy: What role does the media play when dealing with celebrity separations, divorces, and custody battles? Do you typically recommend working with them, getting out ahead of them, staying silent, or other strategies?

My Thoughts: I have often worked with the news media to get ahead of the story. Sometimes, my client wants to stay silent, and there are times when that is a great idea, and there are other times when that is fraught with problems. I bring in experts to deal with the media when it might become an issue because there are specialists who tend to handle that better. The press can inject themselves, interfere with the case, and be all over you. In one celebrity case, I was in court with my client and knocked down – twice – by the media mob. LUCKILY, when I represented a pop star, I could have other people bring her to court. It was funny; I knew one of the reporters who was also a lawyer, so I went up to him. Without seeing him in a while, I threw my arms around him and asked him to accompany me past the media gauntlet into the courtroom. I had a job and wasn’t there to talk to the media.

I also enjoy working on some cases with media specialists in crisis PR and litigation, who understand how to craft strategies for working with the media. I have even become friendly with media like Harvey Levin of TMZ. In fact, I knew Harvey before TMZ when I was a guest on multiple episodes of “Celebrity Justice,” one of his earlier television shows. He also later provided me with an endorsement quote on the back cover of my book (“Divorce: It’s All About Control.”)

Lastly, I am very friendly with reporters and the media. I respect that they have a job to do. It can often be better to work with journalists than stonewall them or let them go off to find others to comment in ways that might not be to your credit or advantage. I am much more friendly with reporters and freer to comment on cases that are not my own.

Ask Stacy: I love podcasts and your “Exes & Ohs” mini podcasts on Jam. What podcasts do you listen to, if any?

My Thoughts: If I listen to any podcasts these days, it would have to be those 1-2 minute Jams on the Jam.ai platform that hosts my “Exes & Ohs.” With Jam, I love getting just a few minutes of top news headlines from the Wall Street Journal, BBC, and even Billboard – and you know, I love music! I listen to select podcasts, typically those of my friends, like Tanya Acker, from “Hot Bench and the New Judge Judy. I recently appeared on her “The Tanya Acker Show.” I also love that my daughter curates and sends me podcasts on topics that keep me current in her field and passion areas of public advocacy and environmental activism.

Ask Stacy: What advice might you have for a recent divorcee looking to return to the dating scene? Is there a waiting period for optics?

My Thoughts: It is not a question of timing; it is a question of being discreet. You do not want to rub the other party’s nose in it; notably, you do not want the kids to be confused or disturbed by it. So discretion is vital, and please do not introduce your children to your date unless you have been with them for a reasonable amount of time – and I might suggest – what counselors would tell you – to wait at least six months or, better yet, a year. Wait until you firmly believe this person will be around for the long haul. I would also recommend avoiding places you frequented with your ex. You don’t need to go out for a date and run into your ex-husband or ex-wife – there are plenty of other places to try where you can be more appropriately discreet.

Ask Stacy: Say there was a biopic written about your life story; name a few Hollywood actresses who you would like to have play you and why.

My Thoughts: Well, there are two great actresses who it has been suggested look like me. One is Anna Kendrick – whom I mentioned earlier from the films “Up In the Air,” “Pitch Perfect,” and “Into the Woods,” among others – and the other is Neve Campbell, whom many people say I look like. Anna is rather petite but plays strong female characters, which might make her suitable for the role. And I love her voice, particularly her singing voice. I mean, would I love to say someone prominent like Meryl Streep? She is impressive and a chameleon of actresses, but she doesn’t look or act anything like me – her physique is nothing like mine; I feel like she appears physically more imposing.

Ask Stacy: I’ve heard you say you dislike watching TV or films about divorce. Does Hollywood typically get it more right or more wrong when dealing with your profession?

My Thoughts: I don’t like watching divorce content because it hits too close to home, and when it’s inaccurate, I scream at the television or iPad. I also yell at other law cases – “That’s hearsay – you can’t let that in!” For divorce stories, mainly, the narratives can be very depressing. The film “War of the Roses” accurately depicted how destructive divorce can be – and it upset me! Another tremendously heart-wrenching film about divorce and the pains of child custody battles was “Kramer vs. Kramer.” It had great acting (Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep) and many familiar and dramatic plot elements of a divorce. Still, it delved into the psychology and emotion of a heart-wrenching child custody trial. The result may have been five Oscars, but it made millions of us sad and cry. Talk about a cautionary tale. Some other less artful films make divorce worse in many respects because they tend to cheapen it. I love law shows, but I hate divorce movies.

Interestingly, I simply adore love stories. I’m a sucker for a romantic comedy or a pure romance. I love all the Hallmark movies. People often point out my heart necklace - they find it fascinating that I’m a divorce lawyer who wears a heart. Others who know that my real motive is to try to keep families together – when appropriate – call me a love lawyer rather than a divorce lawyer, which makes me proud. My dear friends also know I love my XXOOs.

This article was published by Stacy D. Phillips on LinkedIn on August 23, 2023